Being There For The Bereaved Is The Deepest Comfort

” Heartfelt listening and companionship — that is the most genuine care one can offer to those in grief. “

When a loved one departs, how can those leave behind continue to live meaningfully?
At Xiao En Group, the spirit of continued bonds (Xu) is deeply embedded in our approach to bereavement care. Our Counselling & Support Professional has long upheld this ethos: serving as a pillar of emotional support for grieving families. Today, this mission is shared by professionals from across the spectrum—family care professional (Yuan), clinical care professional (Lian), bereavement care professional (Bin), and park operation (burial and cremation) professional (Zang)—who have joined in the quiet act of grief companionship. Before each funeral begins, their silent presence offers warmth and strength to the bereaved, often without a single word spoken.

Recently, Mr. Arnold Leung, a registered social worker and President of the Hong Kong Life and Death Studies Association, conducted an internal workshop at Xiao En Centre, Cheras titled “Grief Assessment and Care.” His session aimed to deepen staff understanding of grief, foster empathetic listening, and strengthen our capacity to simply be there moving toward the vision of peace for the living, rest for the departed.

Understanding the many faces of grief—shaped by age, relationship, and cause of death—enables life service professionals to better assess the emotional state of bereaved families. Not everyone requires professional counselling, but recognizing the type of grief is key.

“We can begin by assessing the risks based on the nature of death,” Leung explained. “Was it sudden, violent, or traumatic? For instance, traffic or industrial accidents, preventable medical events, or large-scale disasters like plane crashes or natural catastrophes.”

He continued, “If over a year has passed and close loved ones—especially children or teens—are still overwhelmed by sorrow (with minors affected for more than six months), they may be suffering from prolonged grief. Without intervention, this may lead to depression. Using the 19-item Complicated Grief Assessment Scale, we evaluate symptoms such as: reliving the deceased’s physical pain, feelings of emptiness, social withdrawal, inability to care or accept care, and ongoing anxiety or isolation. A score above 31 points—particularly when accompanied by suicidal ideation or the wish to ‘follow’ the deceased—indicates that counselling is strongly recommended.”

Leung also shared a poignant story: “A teenage girl died in a car accident. I accompanied her father to identify the body. She lay under a white sheet, with only her severely injured head and face visible—her skull had been shattered. The father stood silent for half a minute, then softly said: ‘Wow, I didn’t realize the crash was this bad.’”

Leung remembered being at a loss for words in the heaviness of that moment. Eventually, he simply placed a hand on the father’s shoulder. No words were spoken, but the silent presence said everything. That experience taught him: true comfort sometimes lies in simply being present—not fixing, not speaking—just being there.

In her book When Pain Comes: The Practice of Companionship (《当伤痛来临：陪伴的修练》, unofficial translation), grief therapist Su Hsuan-Hui (苏绚慧) writes: “True companionship is not about giving—it’s about receiving.”

Phrases like “Stay strong” or “Time heals everything” may offer little comfort. What truly matters is helping the grieving feel seen, understood, and held.

American grief counsellor Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt outlines 11 principles of grief companionship:

1. To be present in another’s pain—not to take it away.
2. To enter the wilderness of the soul—not to lead them out.
3. To show reverence for the soul—not rely on intellect.
4. To listen with the heart—not analyse with the mind.
5. To witness suffering—not judge or fix it.
6. To walk beside—not ahead or behind.
7. To honour the silence—not fill it with words.
8. To stay still—not rush forward.
9. To accept disorder and chaos—not impose logic.
10. To learn from the bereaved—not teach them.
11. To seek understanding—not perform professionalism.

When offering care, grief companions must first create a space of safety and comfort. Only then can trust form and confidence grow. In this safe space, the grieving can begin to explore emotional release and reclaim a sense of life.

Gentle ways to support this process include:

• Writing a heartfelt letter
• Engaging in 30 minutes of exercise
• Visiting a place of worship
• Listening to calming music before bed
• Buying a small gift for oneself
• Preparing a nourishing meal
• Reconnecting with friends

In closing, Leung quoted from Expert Companionship by Tedeschi & Calhoun:
“Grievers don’t need experts. They need your heartfelt listening and your presence. That is the truest comfort.”

This Original article first appeared in《 PUMEN普门 》magazine.  [ Click Here ]