The principles of decluttering are seamlessly applied in daily space organization. However, when confronted with the possessions left behind by loved ones, the essence of these principles appears to shift subtly. Can the act of clearing everything pave the way for a genuine fresh start? Does it enable the bereaved to navigate their sorrow with ease? Or does it risk evolving into feelings of regret and longing? Hence, a profound exchange unfolds between a space organizer and a counsellor, as they generously share insights into the ‘method of mementos categorising,’ ‘Memory Box,’ ‘digital storage,’ and ‘creative ways to repurpose mementos’…
Tan Qin Ru is a registered and professional counsellor. What sets Qin Ru apart is that she works as a counsellor on the front line of funeral services, spending a considerable amount of time accompanying family members who have lost their loved ones through the grieving process.
“Although items are non-living things, some items hold emotional connections for people, such as items of high commemorative value, especially those left by important individuals in our lives. When it comes to decluttering, the considerations may be different, and for some people, it may not be an easy process.”
Throughout the process of accompanying families in mourning, witnessing the belongings left behind by the deceased had a profound impact on the bereaved, leaving Qin Ru deeply moved. During the demonstration of decluttering with the space organizer Jaq, Qin Ru shared the story of her beloved pet dog, Fei Mao, whom she lost and treated like family. When reminiscing about Fei Mao, we can see a genuine smile on Qin Ru’s face, but also glimpse a hint of tears in her eyes.
“Fei Mao was a mixed-breed dog, and this doll was made to resemble him in terms of his fur colour and appearance. Here, I’ve also collected some of his fur. He passed away due to kidney failure in 2018.”
Qin Ru carefully collected all items related to Fei Mao in a box, creating what could be called a “Memory Box” exclusively dedicated to him, shared among her and her family. Inside are two albums and a commemorative ceramic tile bearing Fei Mao’s paw print.
“This is Fei Mao’s paw print taken before his cremation as a keepsake. To be honest, seeing these items now still brings sadness.”
Give yourself more time to organize the mementos
“Fei Mao was seriously ill at that time. I accompanied him to the hospital for blood tests and reports every week. He needed intravenous drips every day. Then suddenly he was gone, and I was asked to immediately tidy up his belongings. It was very difficult, and it was heartbreaking that no one could understand that I needed more time to sort through his mementos.” Space organizer Jaq, who was listening nearby, gently patted Qin Ru’s shoulder as a gesture of understanding and comfort.
As a counsellor, understanding and empathy is crucial for professional competence. Due to personal experience, Qin Ru can empathize more deeply. “In general, when faced with the belongings left behind by a loved one, the bereaved do not exhibit a singular reaction. Some may directly face these belongings, some may need others to assist in handling them, and some may be completely unable to face them immediately, leaving the items in their original place, perhaps in a room, temporarily untouched. Therefore, we encourage family members to avoid pushing, offer more understanding, time, and space to the individuals involved, allowing them to have their own pace in preparing to face this situation. Only when they are ready, can we discuss the next steps.”
The ‘Memory Box’ provides a warm buffer period
Space organizer Jaq also added that if there are negative emotions at the moment, no one would enjoy the act of tidying and organizing, so usually when receiving a job, there is a certain level of readiness from client. “At this point, we also do not directly encourage the client to declutter. When you are unsure of how to handle it but feel that certain items hold commemorative value, we suggest creating a ‘Memorial Area’, or it could be a box we call a ‘Memory Box’, where items of commemorative value can be stored first, and then regularly review these items.”
Jaq fully agrees with Qin Ru’s idea of setting up a box to store all the mementos of Fei Mao, which can be taken out for reminiscing when needed, as these items hold significant therapeutic value in providing comfort. Jaq then asked, “I am quite curious from the perspective of a counsellor, how do you handle it when a bereaved family member is ready to sort through their deceased loved one’s belongings?”
Qin Ru replied, “Generally, there are not many bereaved families who actively bring up the need to sort through the deceased’s belongings, perhaps because most people are unaware of a method for organizing such items. If they express the need, we will share with them Mementos Categorisation Method from Mr. Fong Yee Leong, a professional of hospice care.”
Firstly, you can start by categorising the mementos based on their practical value, dividing them into “Useful” and “Not Useful.” Then, consider the commemorative value and categorise them as “Hold emotional significance” and “Not hold emotional significance.” This will result in four different categories. Once the categorisation is completed, you can then think about taking the appropriate actions accordingly.
“The easiest category is the ‘Not Useful’ and ‘Not hold emotional significance’ items (Block 1), as these items can be discarded directly,” explained Qin Ru. “Next are the ‘Useful’ but ‘Not hold emotional significance’ items (Block 2), in which case these items can be given to the right person, donated to those in need, allowing them to continue to serve a purpose and value to their new owner.”
What’s worth discussing are the “Useful” and “Hold emotional significance” items. “At this point, it is important to consider the individual’s current emotional state. If they can handle the emotions involved, they can choose to keep the items with them and even find creative ways to make use of them. For example, clothes can be turned into pillowcases; with some creativity, they can be transformed into cushions or other items, allowing these belongings to provide comfort and solace, and enabling the individual to maintain a connection to the emotions associated with the departed.”
“This is also known as ‘recreating heirlooms,’ and it is being promoted and practiced in other countries, such as Taiwan, Hong Kong, Australia, the UK, and more,” added Qin Ru. “Lastly, for items that are ‘not useful’ but ‘hold emotional significance’, they can be placed in a Memory Box. When needed, they can be taken out to reminisce.”
Digital storage also has warmth
From the perspective of space organization, a Memory Box also requires regular review. It provides individuals with a space for self-dialogue, reminiscence, and reflection on the ways these items are commemorated, whether they acquire new meanings over time. “If an individual feels ready to declutter items, we also recommend the ‘digital storage’ method, which involves taking photos of the items before decluttering and storing them in electronic devices or the cloud. This way, even if the items are no longer there, we can continue to remember our loved ones by looking at the photos,” added Jaq.
Although some items carry emotions, material things will eventually decay. If one day these items are damaged, our love and connection with the deceased may not necessarily be cut off. At this point, the perspectives of the two individuals seem to coincidentally touch upon transcending the material level. Space organizer Jaq says, “A Memory Box doesn’t have to be physical; it can also exist in our hearts, forever cherished.” Counsellor Tan Qin Ru further adds, “Sometimes, love and memories can transcend material possessions, such as the spirit of the deceased, their favourite phrases, etc. We can also imitate and practice these in our lives, carrying on their spirit. Even without physical items, the love and memories imprinted in our hearts can create enduring connections.”
This is a valuable exchange that has allowed two seemingly unrelated professions to find many common points of human warmth. Space organizer Jaq says, “The process of communicating with the counsellor has made me value more how we establish connections with our deceased loved ones. While sorting through their belongings, it is actually a way for us to reflect on and appreciate the deceased. If decluttering or digitising storage is needed, it is not about severing our thoughts and connections with the deceased; instead, it is a way of ‘formally’ storing them in our hearts.”
Counsellor Tan Qin Ru says, “Organizing spaces and belongings sometimes also involves sorting through our own emotions and state of mind. I once read a book by Taiwanese organizer Phyllis, where I learnt that he had to deal with a house full of items left behind by his late mother, prompting him to consider the importance of decluttering during one’s lifetime. If one day the roles were reversed, and in the future if I were to pass away, who would be tasked with organizing my belongings? How would they go about it? Would it cause them trouble? These are perspectives worth contemplating.”
When a Space Organizer Meets a Counsellor (Part 2) – Short Video version
Editor's Note：Organizing creates more opportunities for us to engage in dialogue with ourselves, particularly when considering our "needs" and "wants", which are magnified within us for discussion and examination. While this may appear demanding, why do some individuals still find a necessity for "organizing"? Perhaps the answer lies in something as straightforward as this: desiring a more structured and orderly life, aspiring to progress towards a brighter future. In a way, this earnest, optimistic, and proactive approach to life seems to be mirrored in how we organize our own existence. Just as physical spaces and material possessions can be arranged, have we also arranged our lives effectively? Planning and organizing in advance, learning to understand and treat ourselves well, can be seen as a valuable gift we give to our own life.
Copyright Statement This article and video is original content created by Xiao En website, to whom the copyright belongs to. The content should not be reproduced without permission, otherwise it will be regarded as infringement. Xiao En reserves the right to pursue legal action against unauthorised use of the content.
As we contemplate the certainty of joining our ancestors one day, how can we ensure that future generations remember us? This introspective query indirectly highlights the significance of the Qing Ming Festival. In an era marked by an array of choices, it appears that the younger generation is drifting further from Qing Ming traditions. What approach should we take to communicate with them effectively and cultivate a favourable view of Qing Ming tomb-sweeping while safeguarding our cultural heritage? Confronted with the younger generation’s focus on environmental friendliness and social transformation, perhaps we can discover mutual ground for discussion by embracing concepts of modernization and civic responsibility.
Take the “beauty” of tradition, never forget its roots
The Qing Ming Festival has been passed down through the ages, with its irreplaceable values and virtues, just like the ancestral worship tradition that allows family members to connect with each other no matter the generation. The spirit of filial piety, is worthy of eternal praise. In this edition of PIETY, we are honoured to have Dr. Yam Kah Kean, a scholar of Chinese culture to share his insights.
“During the tomb-sweeping process, the ancestral worship ceremony not only allows us to express filial piety and respect to our ancestors, but also another important aspect is ‘remembering our roots.’ Without the ancestors, there would be no descendants. Realizing that our existence today is not a given, it reminds us to be grateful for our family roots and to never forget our origins.”
Dr. Yam Kah Kean is also a professor in the Department of Chinese Studies at the University of Malaya. His thesis was related to the category of Chinese religion. “However, based on my observation, if children have had interactions with deceased ancestors in their lives, they tend to have a stronger emotional connection to their ancestors. When instilling in them the concept of honouring the departed and respecting the distant, it is relatively easier.
Dr. Yam Kah Kean believes that for the younger generation who may not have met their ancestors or have a detached image of them, fostering a stronger connection with the Qing Ming Festival doesn’t necessarily require exclusively modern approaches. Instead, it is important to incorporate the beauty of traditional customs, as this is the way to convey the original spirit and essence of the Qing Ming Festival, allowing the younger generation to accept and pass it on through the generations. “When the true essence of Qing Ming is understood and acknowledged, especially when instilled in children from a young age, they will not reject it when they grow up, accepting it as a form of honouring their ancestors.”
Combining modern elements, civic-minded worship
Of course, the beauty of traditional culture may not effectively engage with the younger generation. Faced with the global issues for “environmental friendliness” and the fervour of young people for “social transformation,” we may find opportunities to connect with them from these perspectives. Without abandoning traditional customs, we can integrate the modern concept of “civic-minded worship,” enriching the significance of Qing Ming practices.
“The most important aspect of tomb-sweeping and ancestral worship is sincere reverence for our ancestors. It’s essential for the public to understand that ancestral worship isn’t merely comforting the deceased, but a heartfelt tribute from descendants, updating ancestors on family matters, aiming for peace for both the living and the departed.”
When it comes to the modern offerings for Qing Ming, such as elaborate paper replicas of ships, airplanes, smartphones, various new electrical appliances, and unexpected trendy items, Dr. Yam Kah Kean suggests that Qing Ming should avoid a mentality of comparison. Instead of opting for “high-end luxury” offerings, it may be better to simply prepare a few sets of paper clothes, shoes, incense, candles, tea, or personally fold some gold and silver paper. Fragrances can also be subtle rather than opting for large incense sticks, simplifying the Qing Ming ceremony in a modern way and gradually practising environmental friendliness.
“Furthermore, it is also recommended to avoid setting off fireworks during Qing Ming. Offer the appropriate amount of food for worship, avoiding excess and waste. After the worship is completed, pack the food to take back home, leaving no trash behind, maintaining a clean environment, and making the ancestral worship activities more civic-minded.”
Therefore, between civic-minded worship and traditional culture, it’s not necessarily an either-or situation. As a scholar in Chinese cultural studies, Dr. Yam Kah Kean also agrees that we can strike a balance between tradition and modernity, allowing both to coexist harmoniously.
Learn from the policies of other countries
Civilised worship has already been promoted in other countries. According to reports from “CommonWealth Magazine”, in recent years, various county and city governments in Taiwan have actively implemented the practice of “centralised burning of paper offerings” in the hope of reducing indiscriminate burning activities and minimising air pollution. Additionally, there is also the concept of “substituting merit for money”, which encourages people to redirect the money spent on purchasing paper offerings towards charitable donations, offering merits to ancestors while simultaneously reducing carbon emissions, achieving two goals at once.
In addition, in some regions of China, setting off firecrackers or releasing sky lanterns during the Qingming Festival to honour ancestors has been deemed illegal to prevent fire hazards. Therefore, as the world actively promotes environmental protection, civic-minded worship has gradually emerged as a new option, seemingly paving the way for a different approach where the new generation who care for society and the environment can gradually immerse themselves in the atmosphere of traditional culture.
Xiao En has also taken small steps towards introducing their “ Simplify · Reduce ” guide regarding the observance of the Qing Ming Festival in 2024. It encourages the adherence to the spirit of reverence for the ancestors through low-carbon, thrifty, and eco-friendly practices. This offers an additional choice and opportunity for reflection during this year’s Qing Ming Festival.
Editor's Note：From the richness of our traditional culture to the advancements in modernization, the importance of environmental protection, and the cultivation of civic responsibility, our ultimate goal remains to forge a lasting connection with the spirit of our ancestors. The crux of the matter lies in whether we honor their essence and legacy during their time on earth. As elders, can we, while observing the Qing Ming Festival or standing before their gravestones, weave tales that link descendants to their forebears, nurturing their imagination and deepening their bond with the past? Will our descendants carry forth this spirit, passing it down from generation to generation? The Qing Ming Festival holds immense value beyond its role in fostering filial piety and strengthening family ties. It serves to awaken shared memories within our family, fostering a sense of unity and identity not only among family members but also within the wider community and nation. Through the ages and even beyond the realm of life and death, it stands as a testament to the enduring unity of our family.
Copyright Statement This article and video is original content created by Xiao En website, to whom the copyright belongs to. The content should not be reproduced without permission, otherwise it will be regarded as infringement. Xiao En reserves the right to pursue legal action against unauthorised use of the content.
One narrates the beautiful meaning of “decluttering”, the other recounts the priceless memories of “keepsakes and reminiscences”. When a space organizer meets a counsellor, they share seemingly opposing stories, yet the essence of those stories resonates together. This isn’t a debate, but a harmonious and beautiful encounter. The space organizer says, ” Decluttering is not about discarding that memory”, while the counsellor says, “Some Love and memories will one day transcend material possessions.”
The term “space organizer” doesn’t originate from modern times
Some people think that a “space organizer” is a profession that has only emerged in recent years, especially after the book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” by Japanese organising guru Marie Kondo was translated into multiple languages and promoted through online media, sparking a craze for tidying up and organising material possessions. As a result, the profession of “space organizers” has received high levels of attention.
“During the 2020 pandemic, as people spent extended periods of time at home due to MCO, they had more free time and began to pay attention to the cleanliness of their living environment, leading to a surge in tidying and organising activities,” recalled space organizer, Jaq.
Jaq is a Malaysian space organizer certified by the Sawa Method Advisor Housekeeping Association in Japan. She was once invited to be a guest on Astro Xiao Tai Yang’s a TV Programme, called “MY KIDS CAN ORGANIZE,” where she shared her knowledge of tidying and organising spaces.
She added that the profession of a space organizer is not a recent phenomenon. In fact, as early as the 1980s, there is the rise of capitalism and consumerism in the United States, so the demand for space organization increased. The establishment of the National Association of Professional Organizers (NAPO) in 1985 in the United States brought a more systematic view of the profession of space organizers, marking an important milestone in history.
Consumerism is one of the keywords. As human living standards and economic capabilities improve, the desire for a comfortable life and material possessions continues to grow. Consuming and purchasing have become natural habits, and the distinction between “needs” and “wants” has become blurred. It is easy to end up buying more than necessary without much thought, yet we rarely assess these behaviours in ourselves.
“Have you noticed that from the moment we were born until now, our possessions have been increasing? We have more things, but the space in our homes is decreasing, and our living environment doesn’t seem as comfortable. Therefore, the solution to the current problem is regular tidying and organizing, and even decluttering. Only by letting go of unnecessary items can the space truly flow freely.”
A space organizer is not a cleaner
In that case, if someone hires a space organizer, isn’t it just asking them to help tidy up and organize? Jaq immediately corrects this commonly misunderstood perception. “A space organizer is not like a cleaner; it’s not just about one-sided cleaning and tidying up, and the client doesn’t need to be present. On the contrary, a space organizer requires the client to be fully involved throughout the process, as it is the client who spends a lot of time in that space, not the organizer, and they cannot always rely on other’s help.”
Therefore, with each new commission, the first step for the space organizer is not to immediately start organising, but to first meet with the client, engage in conversation to understand each other, and establish a relationship of trust based on mutual agreement. Once this trust is established, the space organizer will then personalize a suitable organising method for the client based on their understanding of the client. (Refer to the picture below)
“There are many different organizing methods, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Moreover, everyone has different lifestyle habits, so if you don’t find an organizing method that suits you, you’ll quickly revert back to your old habits.”
“Everyone has different goals. I once had a client who said he felt very stressed, so he wanted to find a space organizer to help tidy up his chaotic living space.”
“During each session of space organization, the greatest beneficiary is not the space organizer, but yourself. This is because through the process of organising, you will gain a deeper understanding of yourself, access your life needs, attitudes towards possessions, and even find a sense of solace on a psychological level.”
Don’t know how to start? Begin with classification
Although organizing methods vary from person to person, Jaq also provides some more universal and common methods, allowing friends who want to start trying space organization to have some reference directions. “If you don’t know where to start, I suggest starting with the 6-Level Classification Method to categorize items, and then take the next actions.”
Each level of classification is based on the individual’s frequency and usage of items, from most commonly used to least used, and so on for categorization. Afterwards, create a unique ‘home’ for these items of different levels.
“The most frequently used items can be placed in areas along your most common pathways and most convenient locations, then gradually progressing to the least used items which can be stored in areas along the least travelled pathways and less convenient spaces. After establishing their respective ‘homes’, remember to put them back in place after each use.”
Give yourself time to figure out the pending items
It is worth discussing that for Level 6 items, if you are unsure about them and do not know their usefulness to you at the moment, we can allocate space in a box to store them, label them with an expiration date, and when the time comes, you must open the box to reassessing the value of these items to yourself.
“For example, the calculator purchased for math class during secondary school may no longer be used or used less frequently after graduation. If you are unsure if it will have any other use in the future, you can place it in the Level 6 box. For instance, set a deadline of 6 months later. When the time comes, ask yourself if you needed to use it during those 6 months. Or you can use phone to do calculations instead?”
After reassessing, if the Level 6 item is still useful to you, you can categorize it between Level 1 or 5, then return it to its designated “home”. Conversely, if these items are no longer useful to you, once prepared, you can proceed with letting them go.
“Letting go” doesn’t necessarily mean just discarding items; it can be treated as resource recycling, or they can be resold second-hand or even donated to give them a new purpose with a new owner.
In any case, the 6-level classification method provides a good reference point for friends who are looking to start organizing their space for the first time. However, organizing space is not a one-time solution to permanently solve the issue. Life requires developing good habits, regular tidying up and organising to maintain space, so that the problems will not happen always.
“Many people mistakenly believe that hiring a professional organizer for one session is enough. This is why I strongly recommend that clients must participate in the organising process because maintenance is also crucial. Even if the organizer is not present in the future, clients can independently tidy up and organize regularly.”
There are many methods of space organization, and in practical application, different needs and issues may arise depending on the individual. For example, when faced with sentimental items given by important people, how should they be classified and organized? When dealing with items left behind by deceased loved ones, what methods can be used? In the next PIETY BLOG, we will have the participation of registered and professional counsellor Tan Qin Ru to share more. The meeting of two different professions will continue to discuss topics such as creating a Memory Box, classification methods for items left behind by deceased loved ones, digitalize methods, creative re-creation of items left behind by the departed, and transcending material memory connections… (to be continued)
When a Space Organizer Meets a Counsellor (Part 1) – Short Video version
Editor's Note："Space organization" has gained popularity in recent years, partly due to its alignment with the new generation's emphasis on "environmental conservation". Storage, organization, and decluttering can be considered as one of the methods for individuals to address current issues. However, the key point lies in the initial mindset of consumption - whether there is a rational balance between our “needs” and “wants" for items, reducing the potential future accumulation of useless items and making maintenance work easier. By practising proactive pre-planning from the beginning, we can be prepared for the future. When items are organized and space is tidy, the extra space can be utilised to accommodate more meaningful things.
Copyright Statement This article and video is original content created by Xiao En website, to whom the copyright belongs to. The content should not be reproduced without permission, otherwise it will be regarded as infringement. Xiao En reserves the right to pursue legal action against unauthorised use of the content.
To fulfil each farewell entrusted to them, Xiao En Centre is a ” year-round, non-stop ” space dedicated to life. Therefore, the life practitioners who fulfil their duties on the front lines of bringing closure to life must seamlessly rotate being on duty to provide continuous service. As the Chinese New Year approaches, they remain diligent and steadfast to their responsibilities and give their all. However, this space for life has not forgotten the meaning of traditional holidays. It hides clever touches in every corner, quietly revealing the warmth of the Lunar New Year, allowing busy Life Practitioners and staffs to take a break and feel the warmth of spring. It also warms every person who visits the Xiao En Centre, providing a sense of healing to each individual.
Red and white are colors that seemingly contrasting especially in Chinese culture, but the interplay of ” red and white ” can harmoniously coexist in this multifunctional space for life because of the preservation of culture and the warmth of human nature. In the year 2024, the Year of the Dragon, let’s together reflect on the “red and white” moments of the Xiao En Centre throughout the years.
“The Qin Lounge” café is a great place for guests at the Xiao En Centre and is also a popular spot with a high flow of people. Because of its relaxed and cozy atmosphere, it offers a delightful combination of snacks, desserts, and fragrant coffee. Occasionally, there is even a pianist accompanying the ambiance. Now, with the addition of these bright red accessories, it seems to gently remind you that “the New Year is approaching.”
Xiao En Centre is a versatile space. In 2008, an “Annual Banquet” was held in the hall to thank all colleagues for their hard work and celebrate the Lunar New Year together.
Exciting both inside and outside, the fusion of Eastern and Western elements in red creates a space for colleagues to connect and bond.
The Spring Festival is incomplete without gifts. Each design, packaging, and thoughtful detail is a masterpiece crafted with care and sincerity, expressing our care and blessings to family, partners, and colleagues.
Innovative designs, combining both hardware and software, includes electronic posters in the venue, conveying the spirit of spring and well wishes.
In addition to the decorations for the eve Chinese New Year, on the fifteenth day, the logistics space is still filled with a festive atmosphere because the staff on duty are preparing to celebrate the Chap Goh Mei together.
The beauty of “lou sang” lies in the moment when everyone shares a common goal and collectively makes good wishes, praying for a year of peace and prosperity ahead.
Copyright Statement This article and video is original content created by Xiao En website, to whom the copyright belongs to. The content should not be reproduced without permission, otherwise it will be regarded as infringement. Xiao En reserves the right to pursue legal action against unauthorised use of the content.
As Winter Solstice 2023 approaches, a time that is traditionally associated with the warmth of family and celebrating the turning of darkness into light, this year also serves as a poignant reminder to reflect on the global events that have caused unrest, touching even the communities in Malaysia. In the midst of these challenges, the Winter Solstice stands as a symbolic time for not only gratitude, but also introspection and the promotion of peace and wholeness.
Reflecting on Our Blessings: Practicing Gratitude
The Winter Solstice prompts us to pause and reflect on the tumultuous events that have unfolded globally, affecting communities far and wide, including those in Malaysia, notably in the promotion of certain protests in our public schools recently. This period of festivity invites us to reflect and express gratitude for the blessings we often take for granted.
Amidst the chaos, it becomes crucial to embrace the gift of life and appreciate the blessings that surround us. The Winter Solstice encourages us to be grateful for the foundation of our existence – our families. In the hustle of daily life, it’s essential to cherish the invaluable aspects, such as health, safety, and opportunities that contribute to our well-being. This season prompts us to appreciate the peace that enables us to savour the closeness of family and the abundance of blessings we often overlook.
The Cycle of Wholeness
In contemplating the cycle of life, the message that everyone needs to heed both nationally and globally in these recent couple of years, is one that life practitioners are intimately familiar with. Each day with every person from all walks of life, life practitioners have always worked to promote and retain wholeness in families – for both the living and departed.
Having seen the effects of death, the impact of the loss of loved ones and what it does to the living left behind daily, life practitioners know the cycle of wholeness very intimately – that for families and individuals to achieve wholeness, healing and closure must occur. For healing and closure to happen, it must stem from a heart full of gratitude. To foster gratitude, it must be facilitated from place of peace. Peace will lead right back to wholeness. The wholeness of a nation is entirely dependent on wholeness of families.
Strengthening Bonds in Families
The Winter Solstice serves as a time of reunion, calling families to come together and celebrate the goodness of life. However, the essence of reunion becomes hollow if polarizing opinions are allowed to divide people. The message resonating through this season is clear – do not allow differing perspectives to create rifts between individuals, friends, families, or communities.
As we bask in the warmth of peace that we Malaysians currently enjoy during this season, it’s crucial to extend empathy and a desire for peace to others. The Winter Solstice encourages us not only to appreciate our own tranquillity but also to wish for the same peace and harmony for everyone – both fellow Malaysians and other nationalities that are currently experiencing conflict. By fostering love and understanding, we can contribute to a collective sense of well-being, transcending boundaries and building a world where the goodness of life prevails.
Our Message For The World
Winter Solstice 2023 calls for a collective pause, encouraging individuals and communities, including those in Malaysia, to reflect on the blessings, appreciate life, empathise with those who’ve experienced loss and their sorrow, and strengthen the bonds that unite us all – our humanity. Therefore, as we embrace this season of reflection and gratitude, our message as a nation should be thus: that we promote peace and wholeness for all, for the desire of peace to transcend and overcome barriers, for the sake of a world where understanding and harmony flourish. Less the conflict outside our nation, becomes a divisive blade that cuts our own peace.
Copyright Statement This article and video is original content created by Xiao En website, to whom the copyright belongs to. The content should not be reproduced without permission, otherwise it will be regarded as infringement. Xiao En reserves the right to pursue legal action against unauthorised use of the content.
Gifting mooncakes during Mid-Autumn Festivals is common, but have you considered including Thousand Layer Mooncakes this year? If you aren’t aware of their significance, now is the time to learn. Thousand Layer Mooncakes, also known as Teochew mooncakes which originates from the Chaoshan region in Guangdong, are renowned in the culinary world for their exceptional skill and unique spiral pattern, distinguishing them from other mooncakes with smoother, uniform crusts.
Jade Ng, founder of By Jade bakery who has been baking for 4 years, describes the process as intensive, and meticulous, while simultaneously time-consuming and time sensitive.
“ Traditional mooncakes can be pre-mixed about a month or two prior to completing it. This is because the sugar and oil content are higher, which makes the dough in traditional mooncakes keep longer. For Thousand Layer Mooncakes, you must make it fresh as sugar and oil content is much lower, so it can’t be kept for long periods, ” she says.
“ It’s a process that requires a lot of patience as the dough must rest from 30 minutes up to an hour between each roll, which takes up to 16 hours to complete. Otherwise, you won’t be able to see the individual colour and layers.”
These mooncakes symbolise unity, reunion, and complementarity in Chinese culture. Interestingly, these values resonate with life practitioners in the funeral care industry, who work towards closure and maintaining connections during times of loss. Let’s explore the symbolism behind Thousand Layer Mooncakes and how it aligns with the mission of those in the funeral care industry.
Unity & Reunion Matched with The Art of Closure & Connections
The spiral pattern on Thousand Layer Mooncakes symbolises unity and reunion, mirroring the Chinese cultural values of togetherness. Just as the layers of the mooncake crust blend harmoniously, individuals and families in Chinese culture seek unity, strengthened through the act of sharing mooncakes during festivals which reinforces bonds and emphasise the importance of cherishing moments of togetherness and reconnection with loved ones.
Similarly, life practitioners aim to maintain wholeness within their clients’ families, providing support and guidance during times of grief to bring closure to a life well-lived when a loved one departs. Their services extend beyond the logistics of a funeral to ensure that families can find peace through cherished memories.
Life practitioners recognize the importance of maintaining connections within families, so they work to preserve the memories and legacies of the departed, helping families stay connected to their loved ones even after they’re gone via activities such as Remembrance Services to maintain a family’s sense of wholeness.
Craftmanship Cultivated Through Complementarity
The spiral pattern on Thousand Layer Mooncakes also symbolises complementarity, with distinct yet interconnected layers of dough that contribute unique flavours and textures. Crafting the perfect spiral involves precise craftsmanship, layering thin dough sheets with butter or lard and rolling them into a swirling pattern.
Jade elaborates on the process, stating that “the hands and the room’s temperature must be very cold to make them. Sometimes I need to soak my hands in cold water so that when I fold the thin sheets of dough, the oil coating the sheets won’t leak out, and the layers maintain their clarity. Your hands need to be nimble, soft, and gentle to fold them delicately to avoid tearing the sheets.”
Crafting a Thousand Layer Mooncake demands precision and care, which mirrors life practitioners in their dedication and attention to detail in their respective expertise – be it family care, bereavement care, clinical care, cremation, or counselling. They must work as a team to create a harmonious and wholesome outcome, embodying the integral concept of complementarity in their collective goal to help families navigate loss.
Craftsmanship and Closure
The intricate craftsmanship required to create Thousand Layer Mooncakes is a testament to the dedication and skill of the artisans who make them. Likewise, life practitioners, with their meticulous attention to detail and compassionate approach, strive to provide closure and comfort to grieving families. These professionals understand the importance of honouring a life well-lived and guiding families through the mourning process, helping them find solace and acceptance. In both cases, there is a shared goal of preserving unity and completeness within families, serving as reminders of our interconnectedness and our ability to support one another during times of both celebration and sorrow.
The Enlightenment Ceremony, also known as the Hungry Ghost Festival, is a time when many of us seek to offer support and guidance to the ancestors and wandering souls. This annual event holds great significance in various cultures, as it is believed that during this period, the spirits of our ancestors and wandering souls can visit the living realm.
One powerful way in which we as individuals can show our love and respect to our ancestors is by making prayers and dedicating merit them. Prayers play a significant role as it is through sincere prayers that we express our love, respect, and gratitude towards our ancestors while seeking blessings for their peace and happiness in the afterlife, thus enabling our ancestors to transcend into a better realm. This act of kindness and remembrance serves as a way to honour those who came before us.
Part of making these prayers is with chanting sutras or reciting mantras to offer guidance. The recitation of sacred texts can create a peaceful atmosphere and provide solace for both the living and the departed souls as it is believed to have a positive impact on the well-being of both us and the departed alike.
Another way to provide support is through dedicating merit for our ancestors. When we engage in virtuous actions and accumulate positive karma, we can transfer this merit to our ancestors. This act not only benefits them but also brings peace of mind knowing that we are actively assisting them on their spiritual journey whilst making the material world we live in a better place.
Furthermore, helping wandering souls o find peace is also an act of charity during this festival. These lost souls may be seeking solace or guidance, as these souls either have been forgotten, neglected or simply have no living relatives to provide the necessary sustenance, comfort, and merit they need for the afterlife.
Hence, acts of kindness such as offering food or water to those in need can bring comfort and alleviate their suffering, especially when Buddhist lore like the story of Mulian tell us that food and drink cannot be consumed in the spirit realm. So whether it’s offering food, clothing, or shelter via paper offerings, these gestures of kindness can make a profound impact on their journey towards liberation. Prayers specifically dedicated to these wandering souls can also help guide them towards a more peaceful realm.
Burning joss paper money and other paper offerings has long been a traditional practice during the Enlightenment Ceremony, as these offerings symbolize material goods that are believed to be needed by the spirits in the afterlife. By burning these items, it is believed that they will be transferred to the spirit world for use by the departed.
As we embrace the significance of the Enlightenment Ceremony, let us remember that our acts of kindness, prayers, dedicating merit, chanting sutras, and offering paper offerings have the power to transform lives. When we do this, we demonstrate compassion towards our ancestors and wandering souls. Through these heartfelt gestures, we can offer guidance and support to both our ancestors and the wandering souls as they navigate their spiritual journey towards peace and liberation, while fostering a sense of unity between the living and the departed.
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Life is the beginning of existence, while death is its ultimate destination. Throughout our lives, we inevitably encounter numerous separations and farewells due to life and death. How should we view life and death? How can we face death with ease? And how can those who are alive sincerely embrace life? How can medical care and funeral services demonstrate respect for life?
This Life & Death forum, held at Kuen Cheng High School on 15th and 16th July 2023, aims to answer these questions and provide valuable insights into the topics of life and death. With a thematic focus on “Facing Death with Ease, Embracing Life Sincerely,” the forum brings together experts in the field of life and death education, psychologists, healthcare professionals, and funeral service providers from both domestic and international backgrounds to address these questions.
As the forum aims to help participants overcome the fear of death, while making good life plans and striving to live out the meaning and value of their own lives within the finite time they have, this author took the liberty to interview the life practitioners of Xiao En. Here is a snippet of their stories that will be shared at the forum:
Kezman Kok: A Funeral Care Consultant’s Story Of Service & Healing
Q: What motivated you to become a funeral care consultant?
Before I became a funeral care consultant, my relationship with my father was strained due to his strict and disciplined upbringing. However, his sudden death and our unfortunate encounter with unprofessional funeral service providers left my family burdened with debt. This experience ignited a deep desire within me to find a more meaningful way to honour my father’s memory and help others in similar situations. Becoming a funeral care consultant allowed me to do more for grieving families beyond typical service standards, such as making arrangements for the departed to return home before the funeral or organising important rituals like the 24 Festive Drums for a son to perform for his father. I believe in going the extra mile to bring solace and closure to the entire funeral process, both for the family and the departed.
Q: How did your role as a funeral care consultant impact you personally?
Being a funeral care consultant had a profound impact on me because I carried a deep regret for not having shared a proper breakfast with my father before he passed away. This regret fuelled my dedication to assisting other families in their funeral arrangements, ensuring that they could have meaningful moments before saying their final goodbyes. There was once an incident where a neighbour passed away with a similar situation like my father’s, but this time, I was no longer helpless. I knew exactly what to do. I accompanied the neighbour’s son to the hospital, where the father ultimately passed away. However, I was able to guide the son in arranging the funeral, offering him support and knowledge that I had acquired through my own experience. Being a funeral care consultant not only allowed me to comfort and guide others, but it also served as a form of personal healing for myself.
Desmond Koh: A Clinical Care Professional’s Thoughts On Closure
Q: As a clinical care professional in the bereavement industry, how do you maintain the delicate balance between professional responsibilities and requests from grieving family members?
When faced with requests from family members to personally help dress and prepare the departed, I always try to give them space to do something for their loved ones in their final moments. It’s important for them to have a sense of closure and contribute to the process of saying goodbye. While I have many years of experience in the profession, I believe that involving families in these tasks can bring them comfort and a sense of fulfilment during such difficult times.
Q: From your experience in handling grieving families, what are the common traits that you’ve observed which enables families to find peace and closure more easily?
In my opinion, acceptance of a loved one’s passing comes more easily when the families had built a harmonious relationship and appreciation for one another in life. I often find myself admiring the harmonious relationships between family members, particularly fathers and sons. I strive to have a friend-like relationship with my own father, where we can understand and support each other on a deeper level. It’s something I’m actively working towards, as I believe a strong bond with my father would bring us both joy and fulfilment.
Sunny Tan: A Bereavement Care Professional’s Insights on Life and Relationships
Q: How has your personal experiences shaped your perspective as a bereavement care professional?
As a bereavement care professional, my personal experiences with loss and caregiving have profoundly influenced my perspective. When my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, I initially wanted to personally arrange her funeral ceremony. However, I entrusted the task to my colleagues to have time for my final farewell to her. This experience taught me the importance of allowing oneself to grieve and say goodbye. It also emphasized the significance of providing support and comfort to grieving families during their most vulnerable moments.
Q: Can you share an instance that highlighted the emotional connection you feel with the families you assist?
One particular incident stands out, where a son arrived at the mortuary and expressed anger towards his departed father, venting his frustration for neglecting his health and working long hours due to social obligations. In that moment, as my colleagues and I made eye contact, it felt as if the son’s outburst was directed towards us as well. This emotional connection served as a reminder of our shared vulnerability and the need for balance between work and personal life. It reinforced my fear of losing my own loved ones and motivated me to cherish and care for them deeply.
Nelson Lai: A Cremation Specialist’s Dedication To Respecting Life
Q: Death is a sensitive topic to discuss, what more a career that involves being around it daily. As a cremation specialist, what is your philosophy behind choosing this career?
As a cremation specialist, I look at service in this industry from the lens of empathy. Death isn’t something to be feared, but a temporary departure. But like all long-term departures, it involves emotions and time for those who remain behind to grow while being apart from one another. My service philosophy is in treating every individual and their family with the utmost respect throughout the entire process. From warmly welcoming the departed and their loved ones to the crematorium, to meticulously conducting the cremation process, collecting the remains, arranging the bones in a tray that reflects the body’s structure, guiding the family in collecting the bones, and explaining the condition of the remains, I leave no stone unturned. Each step is executed with great care, ensuring that every detail is taken care of, and no aspect is overlooked. It is my sincere belief that by upholding these standards, I can offer the highest level of care and respect to both the departed and their grieving families.
Q: As cremation specialist with over a decade of experience, what kept you motivated in this career?
The driving force behind my dedication as a cremation specialist comes from a profoundly touching experience on my birthday. It was during that day that my wife and child visited the crematorium, and to my surprise, my child expressed a deep curiosity to witness the cremation process. With me by their side, my child’s fears were eased, and they bravely observed the entire process. Afterward, my child turned to me and said, “Dad, you are great.” Those heartfelt words resonated within me, leaving an indelible mark on my soul. The profound appreciation expressed by my child reminded me of the significance of my work and served as a constant motivation to perform each task with the utmost sincerity, honouring life in every aspect.
Quek Ser Pin: A Grief Counsellor’s Drive To Unravel Taboos Of Speaking About Death
Q: How did your time in college prompt you to explore the idea of life and death education?
My mother passed away when I was very young. Growing up, my family had a belief of not mentioning the departed, leaving me without any impressions or knowledge about my mother. However, during a college assignment to describe my family, the empty space reserved for my mother sparked a deep curiosity within me. Determined to learn about her, I delved into photo albums, hoping to catch a glimpse of her face and discover more about her.
Q: What were the turning points in your career as a grief counsellor that reinforced your drive to overcome the taboo of not speaking about a departed loved one?
As a grief counsellor, I once encountered a case that reshaped my perspective on discussing death. It involved a courageous 9-year-old girl, whose older sibling had passed away. Unlike the customary avoidance of conversations about death, this young girl fearlessly asked any questions she had about her late sibling. Witnessing her unfiltered curiosity and longing for understanding, I began to question the societal taboo surrounding death. It became evident that discussing death openly and honestly was not only acceptable but also essential for healing and growth.
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Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are special occasions to celebrate and appreciate the love and dedication of our parents. It is a time to reflect on the importance of understanding and being there for our parents through tough times and ensuring their physical and emotional well-being. It is also an opportunity to honour and memorialise parents who have passed away.
This year’s Global Parent’s Day theme is about ‘family awareness’, which is about being mindful of the needs of our parents, particularly their emotional and physical well-being. As they age, our parents may require more attention and support from us than before. As adult children, its understandable that we can get caught up with things going on in our lives such as career, taking care of our own families or other obligations. However, as our very first teachers and nurturers in life, we must remember to cherish their sacrifice for us by being aware and proactive of where they are presently in life, so we can help them maintain their mental, emotional, and physical health.
One of the best ways to ensure our parents’ well-being is to check in on them regularly. Whether it is through a phone call, a visit, or a text message, reaching out and letting them know that we care can make a big difference. It is also important to listen to their concerns and be there for them when they need someone to talk to.
Encouraging our parents to take care of their physical health is also important. This can involve making sure they are eating healthy, getting enough exercise, and going to regular check-ups with their doctors. By helping them prioritise their health, we can help them live longer, healthier lives.
In addition to physical health, it is equally essential to support our parents’ emotional health. As our parents age, they may experience feelings of loneliness, sadness, or anxiety. By being there for them and offering emotional support, we can help them navigate these tough emotions. Encouraging them to pursue hobbies and interests they enjoy can also help improve their mood and overall well-being. As studies show that loneliness and social isolation are linked to serious health issues such as stroke, heart disease, and even premature death, that especially effects ageing people from age 50 and above, it is crucial that we always keep an eye on our parents’ emotional state.
For those of us with departed parents, honouring and memorializing them is also an important part of family awareness. One way to do this is undertaking a project designed to memorialise them, which we can then update annually as a family memorial activity. Creating a scrapbook filled with photos, letters, and mementos that capture their essence and spirit can be one such project. Alternatively, we can also establish a family tradition or ritual that celebrates their life and legacy, such as lighting candles and preparing a dish of their favourite food during a remembrance service or sharing stories and memories at a family gathering.
While this year’s Parents Day 2023 theme is about ‘family awareness’, its important to remember it isn’t only something to keep in mind for this year alone, but also for every year. By being conscious of our parents’ emotional and physical well-being, we can help them maintain their health and happiness as they age, which would also make future planning of one’s Medical Organisation and Final Affairs Organisation much smoother. Checking in on them regularly, encouraging them to take care of their physical and emotional health, and honouring and memorializing deceased parents are all ways we can show our love and appreciation for everything they have done for us.
Visiting a departed loved one this Parent’s Day? Check out Xiao En’s Parent’s Day Remembrance Service package!
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Death is an inevitable part of life, and it is important to plan for it early. Planning our funeral arrangements while we are in good health may seem like a premature task – something that be done later. But life is unpredictable, and we will never know what may happen tomorrow. Hence, planning our funeral arrangements early will not only provide peace of mind for both ourselves and our loved ones, but also help lessen the burden on our loved ones from making decisions based on ‘guesswork’ about our remains. Here are some reasons why we should plan our funeral in advance.
Firstly, planning our funeral arrangements early allows us to make decisions about how we want to be remembered. We can choose our desired type of funeral service, whether it be a traditional funeral with religious rites or simply a celebration of life. We can personalise our funerals to include specific music, songs, readings, videos, and other personal touches. By making these decisions ourselves, we can ensure our wishes are carried out exactly as we want them to be.
Secondly, planning our funeral arrangements early can help alleviate the burden on our loved ones. In the event we pass away, our family and friends will be grieving. Having to make decisions about our funeral arrangements while under emotional stress can be overwhelming. So by planning in advance, we can take that burden off their shoulders and allow them to focus on grieving, healing and remembering us.
Thirdly, as discussed in our earlier article ‘Financial Organisation: The Importance of Planning Ahead’, planning our funeral arrangements in advance can also help alleviate financial stress on our loved ones. Funerals can be expensive, and by planning ahead, we can budget for our funeral expenses or even pre-pay for them. This can help our loved ones avoid unexpected costs and financial strain during an already difficult time.
Lastly, planning our funeral arrangements in advance can also help ensure that our wishes, beliefs, and values are respected. When we plan ahead, we can make sure that our preferences are communicated clearly to our trusted person who will manage our final affairs organisation, our loved ones and anyone else relevant to us. This can help avoid any misunderstandings or disagreements about your final wishes.
Like everything else involved in Final Affair Organising, planning our funeral arrangements while we are in good health is an important part of preparing for our end-of-life journey. By doing so, we can ensure that our wishes are respected, lessen the mental and emotional stress on our loved ones, and provide financial security for those left behind. It may be an uncomfortable task to do, but it is one that can bring peace of mind and comfort when our time to leave this world comes.
Copyright Statement This article and video is original content created by Xiao En website, to whom the copyright belongs to. The content should not be reproduced without permission, otherwise it will be regarded as infringement. Xiao En reserves the right to pursue legal action against unauthorised use of the content.]]>